Today I'm Ally Sheedy

This morning I drank an "NR-Ja"... an energy drink with red, yellow and green stripes with a small, eyeless Rastafarian at the bottom declaring, "I know it!" Know what, I wonder? It, man. All I knew after drinking it was that it tastes like watered-down Red Bull and slightly jarred me from my late morning coma.

I'm in one of those moods. I don't want to read about HIV/AIDS policy. I don't want to teach English tonight. I don't want to go out, but staying in sounds like a chore. I don't want to deal with anyone around me. I don't know what I want to do with myself career-wise, though I know I want a job with health insurance and paid vacations. When I was 18-years-old, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, and even though what that was changed over the proceeding years, my certainty did not. But now I'm 25, generally jobless with a Generic Liberal Arts Degree (aren't you GLAD you still owe $25,000 in student loans for this?) in Psychology, and I don't even want to think about it. About any of it. I just want to have Jason make me dinner, eat it in bed, and fall promptly into a lazy, indulgent sleep. Yesterday I was Molly Ringwald, and today I'm Ally Sheedy. I need a Mary Kay makeover and a date with the school jock. That will give me some direction in life.

Sigh, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I promise. Just apathetic. I really just want to sit at this computer and read Salon archives and watch Apple trailers all afternoon. Jason claims when I turned 25, it was if a bomb went off in my brain, and I suddenly felt old, adult, with all the pressures and anxieties that go with that identity. Credit ratings, spider veins, IRA funds, calcium supplements. A steady job. I think back to the ambitions I used to have....to be a social worker, to be a psychologist, to be a lawyer, to run a restaurant, to study policy.... do I still like any of them enough to make a committment? That's what I'm really afraid of: committment. Saying, "This is what I want to do" is a statement of committment to work towards something, to invest in something. Maybe I'll wake up one morning when I'm 43, wonder what the hell have I been doing for the past 15 years, and run off after a series of unfortunate but hilarious events, and discover my talent and passion for something incredible, like building furniture or raising bisen or surgery.

Sorry if this one's a downer. If I were in the States, I'd go get a haircut or buy a new pair of pants. Consumerism - now that's being productive!